‘Happiness has always felt like an elusive concept to me. Trauma I can do, been there, brought the T-shirt. But happiness—no that’s not me and I can’t see how therapy can help’, she said with bravado.

I reminded the client of the container exercise we developed as a resource and how we can use it as part of closing down the session. She chose a large wooden chest, huge locks, dark and damp inside, cavernous, with a sense of dread.

‘I want to put all those memories in here, this pain in my chest and those awful negative thoughts’. She continued, ‘I am slamming the lid closed, wrapping yards of chains around and around’. Desperation evident in the speed of her speech and description, fear of the trauma memories seeping out and engulfing her again.

As I observed her fear increase, she said ‘I am covering the chest with concrete, making it wider, thicker, heavier. I want to throw it into the Mariana Trench’, she gasped.

As I sat and watched, I reflected to myself, ‘If this exercise is supposed to be helpful, a sense of containment, of hope, somewhere to return to, to explore these memories that were too much at the beginning, how is this helping her? It appears to have activated her further’.

I pondered on how I would encourage her to bring the container back into the therapy room and keep her in her window of tolerance. I offered some physical movement and calm breathing exercises as I considered an idea. I wanted to explore how kindness, and the production of oxytocin, may be received. I offered some research-based psychoeducation on kindness.

‘Kindness is a quality that seems inherent in human beings. Like most vital things; however, it is at once very simple and very complex, with multiple layers that can be explored extensively. On the simplest level, kindness is showing consideration to others, as opposed to being insensitive, harmful or apathetic. On this basic level, kindness has universal appeal. Not only human beings, including infants and children, but also animals appreciate kindness. The reason for this is simple. Our most basic motivation is to strive for survival, well-being and happiness. Being treated by others with cruelty, indifference or insensitivity goes directly against this basic wish. So, we want others to treat us with kindness and this is common to all humans’.

‘I have never had kindness’ she whispered.

We talked of examples of kindness, such as saying thank you, opening a door for someone, letting someone with one purchase in front of you at the supermarket queue. I asked if we could try the container exercise differently. She agreed, trepidatious yet intrigued. I asked her to think of a container of any shape or size with the concept of kindness for herself.

‘So, you want me to have something that holds all my trauma, negative thoughts and pain that I don’t want to work on at this time with kindness?’ she asked, totally bemused.

So far, she was still in her window of tolerance.

‘I don’t want them’ she pleaded.

I asked if we could explore placing these memories, thoughts and feelings into a container with kindness. She consented and I asked her to follow my words and notice what happened ‘I would like to invite you to line the inside of the chest with a material which can hold your thoughts, memories, emotions and body responses with kindness’.

Slowly and quietly, she spoke ‘Velvet…Purple’.

I asked ‘Is it smooth, thick? Can you describe it?’

‘Lush, deep piled’.

‘Ok let’s line the chest. (pause) Now I would like for you to think about your thoughts, feelings and memories being in the dark. How would it feel if you could hold them with kindness and offer them some light?’

‘I could have fairy lights inside’ she said, with a lightness of speech.

I continued, ‘And as you look inside the chest with its velvet lining and lights, how do you feel about placing your thoughts, feelings, memories into this space?’

‘They are less scared’, she said with some curiosity. ‘I am less scared as they are less scared’.

I gently continued, feeling my way ‘Before we place them all inside, how do you feel about your thoughts, feelings and memories having some air to breath. Can we allow them space in this chest for air to circulate?’

After a brief pass she said with her head on the side, ‘I can do that. It feels good. They won’t be in the dark and can breathe. (pause) WOW!’

I continued, ‘Now we have the lining, lights and air can you place your thoughts, feelings and memories into the chest with kindness?’ I then asked with some curiosity, ‘When you have done this what would you like to do next?’

‘I can close the lid and then open it to check my thoughts, feelings and memories are ok’ she said, with a curious and yet clear voice.

We explored the difference between the standard container exercise and adding kindness to the exercise.

The client reported, ‘The first one felt scary, and I would not have wanted to open it ever again, the second one felt more contained yet gentle. This is the first time I have thought my traumas could be held with kindness. I am not saying the trauma memories are any less traumatic, they will still be scary to process, yet I am not activated. I feel like I can open my container out of therapy to check how they are all doing’, she said with surprise.

This exchange piqued my interest in looking at more research on containment and kindness as part of resource development. The container resource was influenced by the work of Bresler and Rossman (1989), Wildwind (1999) and Rossman (2000), as well as the works of Gilson and Kaplan (2000), Kiessling (2002) and Omaha (2004). The container exercise is used by many eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and non-EMDR practitioners, and many have developed their own scripts for teaching their clients’ containment and distancing from traumatic and overwhelming memories. In EMDR, the container exercise is introduced at the beginning of treatment as a resource to aid stabilisation and is visited many times when the client requires it, both within the therapeutic space and in the community, to aid emotional regulation and a sense of containment.

Murray (2011) published a full script for the container exercise in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research and Nickerson’s (2017) book encourages us to look at cultural competencies. The EMDR Institute basic training manual references Murray and Nickerson and the container exercise, which:

…should have the following characteristic: strong enough to hold what you put in it, not something you use in your life for other purposes, something with a door/valve so that you can determine when you want to put something in or take it out and whatever feels right for you. (EMDR Institute Manual Revised, 2016)

The work of Bresler and Rossman (1989) used the processes of foresight, insight and hindsight. Foresight involves discussing the purpose of the exercise with the client in a way that is relevant to the client to set the intention for the work. Insight involves the use of imagery to allow the resource to develop, unfold and deepen, and hindsight includes debriefing what occurred in the imagery, and anticipating how this may be useful to the client in daily life. These processes speak to my own use of metaphors following working with Dr Murray Cox, an eminent British psychiatrist, psychotherapist and Shakespeare connoisseur, in the early 1980s, and my involvement with dramatherapy and the use of proverbs to express thoughts and feelings (Cox, 1992). Reed (2014) noted proverbs are often used as a motivational tool and can include poetic language, and their use is always to aim to teach principles or have an underlying meaning.

My interest in people’s personal views of the world was broadened with George Kelly’s personal construct theory work from the 1950s, which was further developed by Bannister and Fransella (1986), and has informed my work with EMDR. Research on kindness suggests kindness does not have to be a large act for someone else, but rather it can be small random acts of kindness for one another. Regardless of the act, kindness is rooted in four principles: awareness, unconditionality, non-judgement and action. And kindness is contagious. The effects of kindness are felt daily throughout our nervous systems. When we are kind, our bodies are healthiest as we produce oxytocin, the hormone which is often referred to as the happiness or love hormone (Dfarhud et al., 2014).

Hamilton (2017) noted kindness makes us happier, improves relationships, is good for the heart (at a cellular level), slows ageing and it is contagious. Using the concept of kindness with the installation of the container feels more authentic and personalised and enables the client to distance the trauma memories while maintaining some sense of control in managing their overwhelm. The components of foresight, insight and hindsight have become part of my practice, as I see in front of me, the positive impact of holding trauma memories in a manner which has meaning to my clients. I continue to learn from and with the people I work with, and this is a first foray into looking at kindness as a potential and integral part of resource development.